Fear of the Unknown

Tommorow I have an appointment with my endocrinologist. Yikes. These visits terrify me no matter what. Don't ask me why, they just do. I think about them for days leading up to the moment I walk into the office. I love my doctor and her team of nurses and nutritionists, but even they are not able to ease my nerves. I think this fear roots from years of hearing stories and watching loved ones suffer from the same conidition. There are so many unknowns to this disease, which scares me. I do not like to live in the unknown. I like to be fully aware of everything going on around me, no matter how minute the issue.

Before each appointment, I recite this passage over and over again. It reads:

19-21 I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there's one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:
22-24 God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left.

25-27 God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
to stick it out through the hard times.

It is easy to say I will trust God through everything, but I fail daily. It is easy to say I believe God's plan prevails, but I constantly doubt His plan. It is easy to say God knows what He is doing, but I seem to doubt His abilities.

My biggest fear before each appointment is that the doctor will give me news I do not want to hear. No one wants to hear their kidneys are failing or their eyesight is quickly deteriorating; however, these are side affects of Juvenile Diabetes. While I am young and relatively healthy, this type of news can still occur. I just pray that everything will be okay.

I do not every talk to anyone about my disease. Do not ask me why, I just don't. Maybe I am embarrassed, maybe I am scared people will view me differently or take pity on me. I don't like to be different. I do not enjoy drawing attention to myself. While I do want to make an impact in the world of Juvenile Diabetes, I would rather do so with other diabetics by my side, holding my hands.

The song "Healer" by Kari Jobe really spoke to me tonight, as well as Hillsong United's "You Hold Me Now." Both songs speak of God prevailing through the trials and tribulations we face. One day I will be forever healed, but until that day comes, it is my duty to take care of my body and praise God for trusting me to handle living with a disease.

Until next time,